This Is How We Do

This morning I said to Wil, “You have school today.”

Wil was sitting criss-cross applesauce on the couch. He had his lap desk balanced on his legs, upon which was a plate and his breakfast sandwich. Mickey Mouse Roadster Racers played on the TV.  Wil turned his head to look at me, careful to keep the lap desk perfectly balanced. With his mouth full of breakfast sandwich he yelled out, “Noooooo!”

“Oh, wait, wait, sorry, I didn’t mean you are going back into the school today. I meant you have your Google Classroom call today. It’s Monday. I thought you may have forgotten since we haven’t had a call since Thursday.”

“Oh, ok.” And he resumed chewing and turned his attention back to Mickey Mouse Roadster Racers.

In a way, I was relieved by his immediate refusal to go to school. In the beginning of this pandemic situation, Wil was very upset he wasn’t going back to school. He wanted to see his friends. It was also very close to Spring Break. He then thought it was Spring Break, but the problem with that is we were going to Florida for Spring Break. We cancelled our flight due to the pandemic. As with any change in schedule for Wil, we really talk it up so he’s prepared. We had been talking about the Florida trip to see Grandma Leigh and Grandpa for quite awhile. How he would swim every day with Grandpa. How he’d go for walks with Grandma Leigh. Everything we had talked up over time, we now had to repeatedly break down in explanation.

Wil misses his friends a lot. Zoom calls are both helpful and hurtful. He loves seeing his friends, but then he misses them more when the calls are over. So we decided we’d make a plan. A plan to see his friends in the summer. That way he had something to look forward to. Now, if it’s a warm day, he asks me if it’s summer. We look at the calendar and take note that it’s not summer yet, but every day we are getting closer.

I’ve been lax with Wil on schoolwork during this time. We have been very active outdoors. In many ways, Wil is an old-fashioned kid. He enjoys and learns most from functional movement. He’s very observant of what is around him. I’m always learning when I take walks with Wil. He doesn’t miss anything. He loves collecting sticks so he takes note of different types of bark, how two sticks sound hit together (one more hollow than the other), how certain sticks break and others are strong. He truly does take time to smell the flowers and take in what is around him. If there is a sign to read while outdoors, he reads it aloud to me. We were watching the movie, “Onward” last night, and there were a written signs and notes. He read all of them. We’ve had a natural learning environment, of sorts.

I’ve made him aware school work is to be done, but I haven’t forced it or created a strict schedule. As the beginning of this situation was so confusing to him, getting Wil to sit down to homework was a long stand-off.  I weighed the checks and balances and decided at that time, it just wan’t necessary to have a stand-off at that time. We would take our time and find our way through this. I let him know what school work was available to do, and then he chose which options. In fact, one night at 8pm, he looked at me and said he wanted to do school work. It’s not exactly what I wanted to do then, but I wasn’t about to turn him down. So he did about 30 minutes of school work and then he went to bed. For some kids, a strict schedule brings security. For some kids, if you get off a schedule you’ll have a near impossible time getting them back on. It’s a very individual process. I decided we’d do our natural learning and then the time would reveal itself when more of a regular schedule was needed.

There are memes swirling around on social media from Phd’s in psychology about it being ok to be lax with school work right now. That it’s good for your mental health. That we as parents have a lot going on and we are not teachers. And conversely, there are memes swirling around from other Phd’s stating statistics on the learning our children will lose if we don’t stay on a schedule at home. They are likely both right. But here’s one thing I’ve learned from raising a child with special needs. There is no “how-to.” It’s, “this is how we do and maybe it will work for you too.”  I’ve found taking a deep breath, stay focused on the goal, and rolling forward in our own timing is what works best for us. Suggestions are great. But be careful with assumptions that are made with those suggestions.

I’ve seen it said that this situation is the same for our kids with special needs, that we are all confused. I’d agree we are all confused, but I don’t agree it’s the same. I believe that by saying it’s not the same, that’s interpreted as a bad thing. But it’s not a bad thing. It’s just different. I’ll never forget when I met a school psychologist and he said, “When I was in school for this job, I heard people with Down syndrome were stubborn. And I thought, well, so what? Lots of people are stubborn. Then I started working with people with Down syndrome. And I realized there is a whole different level of stubborn.” We both laughed at that. Because it’s true. It’s not bad, it’s just a different. And those differences don’t have manuals. Ask any special education teacher or parent. There is no true “how-to.” There is “this is how we do and maybe it will work for you.”

So this is how we do–Step 1: A loose structure of time outdoors mixed in with chores, some reading or online work, have been effective. This has kept the momentum rolling forward. However, with Wil’s reaction to going to school this morning, and with our day to day life, I’m now seeing that Wil has begun acting less confused and disappointed about all of the changes in his life. He’s begun to settle into a new normal. Though Wil still wants to see his friends, in person, and he still wants to go to Florida, he’s come to terms with our current situation. It’s now time to schedule blocks of specified school work. So this is how we will do–on to Step 2. 

When Wil finished his breakfast, he set his lap tray aside and walked behind the chair I was sitting in reading. He leaned his chin on my head, and wrapped his arms around me. He took a deep breath in and said, “Ahhhhh, what a beautiful day.”

Let’s all take a collective deep breath with him, and go on with our day, rolling our own way. This is how we do.